1996-12-12 - Fall Orgo Night

College Library

[march into Roar]Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despitecorruption in the USO, it's the most underfunded band in the world, theColumbia University Marching White Collar Criminals. [fanfare]Featuring:
J. Columbia Counterfeiters - Churning it out
J. Sinoj Stevens - Raking it in
and J. Student groups - Getting it where it hurts[fanfare]Welcomes itself back to dark, dank, decrepit, depressing, dreary, in needof renovation, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where theshelves are long-lasting but sadly not the men and the women are checkedout but long overdue. Featuring O. J. in court--again, counterfeiting inthe basement of journalism, Sharod Baker inexplicably in Belgium, and theInternet rapist in chains--where he probably wants to be, presents its24th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in OrganicChemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous orgo. [who owns]Usually at this point in the script we'd read a joke or two from ourfootball game scripts that had been censored by our friendly Dean ofStudents Roger Lehecka, but luckily for us, he's only forbidden a fewscattered words and phrases this year. We share them with you now. Dunblane Massacre. My ass. Ritual Suicide. Broads. Now be used to hirea female escort. Jesus Christ. Lesbians and Bisexuals in Action, orLABIA--Now there's a community service in and of itself. Partial- birthAbortions. Happy to see our savior get off easier this time around. Drugdealers on 103rd and Amsterdam. Killed. Cause one of the opposing team'splayers to have a heart attack before the game. Nocturnal Activities. Rape-free Tuesday. And some of our censor's useful advice: "Don't do a cocaine joke and thenform lines," "I find nothing factually incorrect. . . ," "Why not theAthletic Department," "Right Lloyd, in the liver," "So that's why you'replaying 'Shaft'," and finally "No more crucifixions on the field, guys." The band now forms a censor and plays "Wipeout".[wipeout]Now here's a joke we didn't even try to get past our censor:Earlier this semester, the pope, always a barrel of laughs, in an effortto catch up to the last century, said that evolution was a validscientific hypothesis and not, in fact, the work of Satan. The bandapplauds this modernizing mood, and indeed sent our crack elite SWAT teamto the Vatican, where we found a whole host of ideas of other ways thepope could make Catholicism a hip and fun religion. The band now plays, in honor of the old Catholicism, I hear you knocking,but you can't come in to a condom. [knocking]So aren't you all glad CTV's back up and running again this year? There'snothing like bad special effects and cheesy camera angles to set my hearta-thumping. A few bitter souls couldn't get into NYU film school and nowwe're all being punished for it. Just think: because CTV is on the air,we can't get Lifetime--y'know, TV for chicks. I'd rather see MeredithBaxter Birney get addicted to heroin, lose her children to an abusivehusband, become bulimic, develop a multiple personality and discover herpast lives all while running away from her neighbor the mafia hit man. . .than Omar's biting satirical wit any day. Hell, I'd rather watch DJIN. Now that's quality programming. Aren't you glad they're locked in thebasement of Mudd all day filming? Gosh, if they walked freely among us. .. The band now plays tribute to those Not So Funny Show marathons andplays "In the Midnight Hour". [Midnight hour]Watching CTV made us think about a few TV channels we'd like to see. Whywaste your day with the History Channel and the Classic Sports Networkwhen you could be watching The Home Drug Shopping Network [One person:"This is some good shit"] , the What Got Censored From All The OtherChannels Network--all profanity, all the time [band: "FUCK!"] and TheAll-Naked Ad Channel. All commercials, no clothes. Of course, ourfertile imaginations began writing the copy Madison Avenue only dreams of.. . Here are a few naked ads we dreamed up: The band now leaves you with the image of a naked Angela Lansbury andplays "I wanna be sedated." [sedated]In other news this semester, Madonna gave birth. Surprisingly enough, thefather of her child turns out to be not God, but instead a personaltrainer from Southern California. Breaking with tradition, Madonna chosenot to name her baby perhaps the obvious Jesus Christ, but instead LourdesMaria Ciccone Leon. Apparently, her next child will be Fatima, and afterthat Guadaloupe, but of course that would require a second and even athird coming. The band now forms the role Madonna's child was born toplay and plays "Jesus Christ Superstar". [Superstar]Just when you think it's safe to look at the recently deceased RichardNixon through rose-colored glasses, out pops new evidence of some nastyanti-semitic comments in which Nixon asks right-hand man H. R. Haldemannto audit all the rich Jews hiding in the I.R.S. Wow. Richard Nixon. Offensive. What a dick. The band now forms an anti-semite and plays"Havah Negila". [havah]In recent news, George Stephanoupoulos has given up his political careeras Bill Clinton's right hand man to teach at Columbia. The band, alwaysinterested in academic matters, wondered what exactly he might teach. Hereare a few suggestions: The band now forms a crippled old man and plays "Beat It".[Beat it]Recently it seems former Columbia students were arrested forcounterfeiting $80,000 worth of $20 bills in the basement of Journalism. The band is impressed they were able to find a working copier anywhere atColumbia, and even more impressed that former Columbia students are makingthat kind of money. We're surprised, though, that it took the SecretService only six months to catch these slick operators, considering thishigh quality. [band flourish sheets of "Monopoly" money] Look, it's real green paper! They're going to jail, but if they roll doubles on the way, the judgemight consider letting them enter a beauty pageant--but of course the tendollar prize for second place would be kind of a let-down. What doesn'tsurprise the band is that having counterfeited a fortune, the formerstudents then spent it all on Schlitz. [band cheers]. In related news,USO president Sinoj Stevens has finally revealed what's in the USOtreasury. "Lots of twenties," he said. The band now forms the USOtreasury and plays "Smells like Corruption" [smells]Recently it seems America's favorite defendant is in the hot-seat onceagain, as the O.J. civil trial is underway in Santa Monica, California. It seems, however, that O. J. committed yet another faux-pas: as if agrisly double-murder weren't enough, the Juice was accused of sexuallyharassing a court clerk. The band, always fascinated by the workings ofjustice, wondered just how O. J. might go about picking up women this timearound. The band now forms a perversion of the American justice system and plays a perversion of the American National Anthem. [techno banner] On our way out, the Band would like to leave our Organic Chemistry Students with the following helpful tips: Fruit can produce ADP, or Adenisine Diphosphate, whereas ADP, or Alpha Delta Phi, can produce fruits.USO, Uracil Sulfate, is a corrosive green substance, whereas USO, or Union of Student Organizations, is corrupted by a green substance.SGA, or Silicon doped with Germanium and Arsenic, can be used as a semi- conductor, whereas SGA, or Student Government Association, is a semi- organization filled with doped-up Barnard chicks.Goodnight, everyone. Drive safe.[Raw]